So it’s one of those posts, you know the ones where you long for someone and kind of wished you told them how you really felt at the time they were in your life but were too afraid for fear of being ridiculed or made out to be some crazy, so here goes.
You know I was perfectly fine until you came along, I was happy in my world hiding away. In fact, I should have never sought you out don’t get me wrong I don’t regret it, as soon as I laid my eyes on you I was lost, its hard to explain what came over me I tried hard, didn’t take no for an answer, I was downright dishonest in some ways I guess it was a way of masking certain shortcomings I had then, that I didn’t want you to see. I was just enthralled that’s why. I still feel ashamed because of this – you were a catalyst for some much-needed change in my life, it was the pain that forced me to seek someone out. To seek you out.
You were and still are the most beautiful man I have ever laid my eyes on (both inside and out) even though I could tell that time and pain had aged your beautiful face and hardened your outlook though somehow you always seem to remain optimistic – you looked tired, like you were working towards something but just hadn’t reached a point where you wanted to be, at the time I met you. But it didn’t matter to me, when things ended so abruptly and I was beginning to put in the work to make the connection a reality I was saddened, ashamed and I felt guilty for shattering that illusion I gave you, just know you did see raw pieces of my personality and only certain things may have not been true. I may have been harsh with my words but it was a way to defend myself I was upset with myself. How I longed for it to be true and oh how I wanted to see you – it is not because I went elsewhere like I told you, it’s because I couldn’t afford to go at the time. And anyway you were slipping from me already, come November I spent my days at the beach not knowing what to say or even if I should. You didn’t say anything…you had slipped and in January that was it.
For that short period of time that I knew you, I was wrapped up by your personality, mesmerized by your logic and hypnotized by your words. There were times when I was afraid to talk to you, I don’t know why but my heart would beat so fast whenever I did, it was the reason why I wouldn’t talk to you every day – I’d get so nervous. I’d say the stupidest things to you >_< and I know I made you laugh at my moments -sigh-. I don’t know if I ever want you to read this but if you do, at least now you know. It was never out of malice you should have known this, as I tried for months.
I hope you are ok.